Doing my part to disrupt the space-time continuum.

Menopause: 1: the natural cessation of menstruation that usually occurs between the ages of 45 and 55.

Yes, my menstruating friend, I have done it. I have PAUSED. This is a beautiful thing.

My Happy Uterus

My last period was July of 08, so I’m a bona fide NON-menstruator, which makes me menstru-GREATER than YOU because you still do it.

My doc confirmed this event with the help of hormone tests. But not before she struggled for a while against the current of my non-existent flow. I was only 46, you see. Not exactly textbook. When the tests revealed the truth, she scratched her forehead and reluctantly gave in. I rejoiced, skipped merrily about and wore tampons as earrings for two weeks. I did have a ridiculous bout of crying later that night that lasted about 30 minutes, but it made no sense so I stopped.

The first question people ask when they learn that I’ve paused is, “So … just how bad ARE those hot flashes, anyway?” This tips me off to the fact that I’m menstru-greater than them, too, because clearly, THEY are still menstruating – otherwise they’d KNOW that hot flashes are like being smothered to death beneath Satan’s left testicle.

I actually only experienced hot flashes during the perimenopausal stage, which is just another stooooopid phase of a woman’s life that happens just AFTER the first 30 years of cramping, bloating and cranky patches and BEFORE the actual onset of menopause otherwise known as the, WTF is going on NOW stage. It’s during that in-between stage that you’re just a POSER, not a PAUSER because you’re still actually doing it even though you skip periods and everything else about your body becomes yet another female mystery.

Your punishment for posing as a Pauser is hot flashes.  It’s dumb but it’s true. In fact, it’s ALL dumb. You can’t win. Don’t try. You’re going to be walking around with a mattress between your legs for approximately 2,163 days of your life.

When thinking on my menstrual history, I have to admit how lucky I am. I started late and finished early. Some things in life are worth procrastinating (like menstruation) while other things are worth OVER achieving (like ceasing the menses). That’s me, the menstrual over-achiever proving once again, that I’m better than you.

Anyway, back to the history part. Menstruation is a rather big deal in the life of most girls and I was no exception. I was the last girl in my little gang of girlfriends to go with the flow. I was 14. I’d been anxiously awaiting my first visit from Auntie Flo, quietly sitting on the sidelines as my girlfriends went about grousing the woes of womanhood and bumming tampons off each other. While they bonded, I wallowed in menstrual self-pity, hoping and praying for the bloating and cramping just so I could be bitchy WITH them and get away with clawing someone’s eyes out. But that moment would never be realized.

The timing for my first period couldn’t have been worse. It happened right after my family relocated to another state. All my menstruating friends who’d been pulling for me to start my menses weren’t there when the big moment finally occurred. I became the lonely menstruator, feeling fat and puffy, all alone with my box of maxi pads as my only friends.

Thankfully, menstruators are EVERYWHERE and in time, I found new friends with whom I could bitch, moan and groan the plights of womenhood.  Ahh … good menstru-times.

When I look back, I have to admit, the mensing years weren’t all that bad for me. Oh, I had my share of crooked or lost tampons in the Cave of Wonders and plenty of morning blood baths … and then there’s that dreadful period after childbirth where your guts fall out and they scoop them up and shove them back in and then hand you a baby and say, Oh look how beauty he is. Then you bleed for 14 years. That’s not a happy little flow, either – but a veritable uterine pathology threatening to wash away entire villages and towns.  But other than that, it wasn’t too big of a deal.

Fast forward to now, and it’s funny how I’ve almost completely forgotten what it’s like to menstruate after 2 years of NOT menstruating. When my younger girlfriends bring up the topic, I’m like, oh … THAT. I sorta remember that unpleasantness. And then I resist the desire to say, Nanner-nanner, you’re a menstruator and I am menstru-greater than you.

But I don’t say that and do you know why? Because I have burning mouth syndrome and my vaginal walls are lined with crepe paper, (both caused by the pause) … that’s why.

So, how about it ladies? Wanna tell me your menstrual woes?


Comments on: "Menopausal Musings" (7)

  1. Considering I’m only 23 I have not yet hit the menstru-greater stage (although I will call when I do) but I did have a traumatic period starting experience. ALSO one of the last people in my group of friends to start (bitches) Mother Nature decided to share her gift of bloody vag while I was visiting my grandparents house who, of course, were ready and waiting with appropriate supplies…NOT. I stuffed tissues in my undies and had mom go out to the store for sticks and leaves (as we used to call them to be sly around the boys at school). Well actually just leaves, sticks scared me… but not for long! Not only did I step into womanhood around the comfort and ill-preparedness of my wrinkly grandfolks, but I had SWIMMING championships that next week. Needless to say I spent about 30 minutes in the bathroom refusing help from my mother (how embarrassing MOM) while I tried to muster up the courage I needed to SHOVE, then proceeded to pass out. Awesome. AND of course I spent the entire swim meat asking my bff if she could see my string when I dove in the pool. Thanks Mother Nature… EFF YOU!
    p.s. you’re funny and I love your blog

    • TeeeRay said:

      OMG! Poor baby! And yes … EFF YOU MOTHER NATURE! Whatta hag! And what’s up with the string on a tampon being 12 feet long? Will we need that much string to pull ourselves out of the pool of blood we’re drowning in???? Sheesh!

      Ps I LOVE your responses!! xox

  2. Sharon Skrak said:

    Alls I gotta say is…. You Bitch!!!! I’m on Coumadin for my heart… and you know what that does…. thins your blood and makes you bleed as if you were in some kind of medieval blood-letting competition! If anything could truly SUCK, this would be it! You not only bleed like a stuck pig, but you have to buy stock in the folks who make OBs, ’cause you’re buyin them by the cases!
    WTF!!! Can’t Mother Nature just give me a break….

    • TeeeRay said:

      No. Mother Nature CANNOT give you a break. She has NO intention of giving you a break. Just buy another mattress and wear it in your jeans for the rest of eternity. That’s how it goes.

      Maybe if you’re lucky, you can be menstru-greater, like me! Until that time, all I can say is, Nanner-nanner and….

      I LOVE YA SISTAH …. (hand in there and no blood letting!)

  3. Kathy said:

    You are too too much, BabyCakes. What a writer you are! I loved this!

    I haven’t crossed the threshold yet. I expect that my body (same as me, always the procrastinator) has put it off in the slimmest of chances the rest of me might want to procreate. Ha. So I bow to you, oh Menstru-Greater. You win. In so many ways….!

    • TeeeRay said:

      Yay! Glad you liked!
      Sorry to hear that you’re not yet menstruGreater but hang on, it’s a comin’, sistah! And when it does, I shall hold your hand in spite of the miles between us! xoxox

  4. […] my menopausal discomfort is most profound.  My symptoms include burning mouth (as stated in the unfortunate aforementioned post) accompanied by numb lips, a strange taste and a film-like feeling on the back of my lower teeth. […]

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